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Posts Tagged ‘bagel’

‘Come on get up it’s ten to nine. I’m really sorry mate, I forgot all about you. You were just so quiet.’

‘Of course I was quiet, I was asleep you idiot!’ screamed a very annoyed Rodent Boy.

‘Yeh whatever, right here’s your clothes, get them on, I’ll go and make your breakfast… We’ll have to tell your teacher I had an important phone call or something.’

Just then the phone rang. Excellent I thought! I won’t have to lie after all. It was the editor of the magazine I’ve just finished designing. With the phone shoved hard between my ear and shoulder I tried to give the impression of working at my desk. In reality, I was in the kitchen in my underpants picking bits of blood off Rodent’s bagel. As the bakery had only done half the job, I’d cut my finger separating it all the way with the new bread knife.

‘Oh look I’m really sorry…’ still trying to sound professional. ‘… my computer is processing a large file at the moment so I’ll have to get back to you on that…’

The dog had now run off with half the bagel after it had slipped onto the floor while I was flattening it to fit the toaster. Actually, believe it or not, I once won a new video recorder, video camera and large television by flattening a bagel. After flirting with a bit of DIY a few years ago, I proudly installed an IKEA folding table. Next morning, pressing down on the bagel, the table gave way pulling the screws and plugs clean out of the wall. Working Mum said it was really very funny and she wished she’d had a camera. Seeing an opportunity, I pushed the whole assembly back in the wall, added some saucepans for better sound effects and got out the video camera. To my surprise, this hammed-up repeat performance was voted second on Australia’s Funniest Home Video show and a whole heap of technology arrived by courier.

‘It’s burnt!’ said Rodent rejecting his bagel not realising that this was just one of the many faults.

‘Just eat it or you’ll die! We’ve gotta go!’

Using unnecessary exaggeration, I hastily scribbled a note to his teacher about my unavoidable phone conference with three continents. Then the doorbell rang.

‘Oh terrific! Where are the hell are the keys?’ I yelled at myself.

Searching madly for them, while at the same time trying to stop the dog from savaging the courier through the door, I called out that I was just coming. Eventually finding them under a pile of someone else’s stuff, I ran to the front door only to tangle ‘Frank Spencer-like’ with a misplaced skateboard. Stepping heavily on one end, it shot off and hit the door with a thud and I went crashing to the ground. Quite what the courier must have been imagining was going on on my side of the door I can only guess at. Getting up unhurt, I opened the door to find it was not a courier after all, but two ridiculously good-looking and far too smartly dressed male Jehovah Witnesses. Screwing up my face into that obvious fake grin they must see all the time, I told them I was sorry but I never buy anything from the door, including religion and said goodbye.

Pulling into the school driveway fifteen minutes late, who should be waiting at the drop off point looking like he’d been tipped-off by a rejected Jehovah witness, but the headmaster.

‘I was hoping to catch you…’ he said in an unnecessarily pompous voice.

Oh dear, I thought, here we go.

‘I need a few amendments doing to the website. Would you be able to do those for me today?’

Relieved to have escaped a lecture on punctuality and incorrect school uniform, (Rodent was wearing odd socks, neither of which were school issue), I asked him to explain the job in more detail.

After watching Rodent dawdle up the path with the urgency of Spanish builder and finally disappear into his classroom, I felt it was probably now safe to leave.

‘No problem Sir, I can do that. I really don’t have much on at all today.’

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